Why affairs in the head are as bad as in bed
`Daily Mail’ `Hazel Davis’
Thirty- four-year-old curator Tamsin has a special new friend. His name is David, he is 12 years older and he works in a nearby gallery. They meet for coffee and spend many of their lunchtimes together.
'Since I met David, he's pretty much all I think about,' says Tamsin, like a lovestruck teenager.
'We like the same music, he laughs at my jokes and he compliments me on my clothes. We get on and I always can't wait to see him.'
Make believe: Is an affair in the head as bad as an bad as physically having an affair?
They sound like the perfect match, don't they? And yet. . . David is married with a young daughter.
Tamsin, too, has been in a relationship with Guy for ten years and they have lived together for five.
'I do love him,' she says. 'He's my best friend and we have a lovely house and a nice life. I would never cheat on him.'
But at the weekend when she's shopping with her partner, Tamsin says she chooses her outfits on the off-chance that she and David will meet for lunch or that he will come into the building for a work meeting.
'When I buy underwear now, I am starting to buy it with David in mind, despite the fact that I haven't slept with him and have no intention of doing so. Not that I haven't thought about it, a lot.'
And her attentions appear to be reciprocated. 'He emails me all the time when we're not together,' she says.
Adultery? Tamsin and David haven't even shared a kiss but both seem to be infatuated
'Sometimes we have to email for work, but other times we just chat online. We often chat online in the evenings when my partner is out playing tennis or with his friends.'
The couple's discussions cover everything from politics to music. 'We have loads in common,' she says, 'and if we weren't both otherwise spoken for I am sure we would be a great match.'
Like Celia Johnson and Trevor Howard in Brief Encounter, who had one of the most famous non-affairs in cinematic history, David and Tamsin haven't slept together or even shared a kiss. So they're not doing anything wrong, are they?
Phillip Hodson, fellow of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, and author of How 'Perfect' Is Your Partner?, thinks otherwise. 'I don't think it matters what you call it, but she has switched her intimate allegiance,' he says.
Hodson thinks that the marriage laws do nothing to help this moral double standard that Tamsin finds herself embracing.
'We have a difficulty with the fact that the law concerning marriage is a medieval one, and modern relationships are constructed in a different way,' he says.
'We used to see sex as a conjugal right and that no marriage was lawful in the full sense unless there has been sexual intercourse. However, what really keeps modern relationships going is quality of intimacy.'
The internet has played a great role in Tamsin and David's friendship and encouraging this new intimacy. 'We email a lot and send each other funny things. It's obvious we are trying our best lines on each other,' says Tamsin.
She justifies her actions, she says, by the fact that she has never slept with David. 'I would like to and it's clear we find each other attractive, but it would kill Guy and I don't want to break up with him or hurt him,' she says.
As Hodson says: 'It's easy to think that everything's all right because of these sexual boundaries. You're relying on that legal technicality. But you have broken the moral and emotional rule. I believe that committing adultery in your heart is committing adultery.'
Despite the fact that Tamsin has plenty of other male friends, tellingly, she hasn't mentioned this new one to her partner.
'We even tend to email when we know each other's partner is out,' she says. 'Unlike my other male friends, I am careful not to text at certain times when I know he will be at home or with his wife.'
YOURS UNFAITHFULLY: 24 per cent of those aged 18-34 have been unfaithful compared with 28 per cent of the over 55's says a survey by Saga
Ed, a writer from Lincoln, is married with a five-year-old son. He has a close female friend, Susan, herself in a relationship. 'We both work for ourselves and so it's very easy to while away the hours chatting online,' he says.
Unlike Tamsin, Ed does feel he's doing something wrong, but can't extricate himself from the relationship.
'I do feel like I am having an affair,' he admits. 'Despite the fact that I would never cheat on my wife, I feel like my attention is elsewhere. I find myself fantasising about what it would be like to be with Susan.'
Ed's wife knows about his friendship with Susan and has even met her once. He tells her when they meet for coffee and she asks after her.
'But sometimes it's like having an affair with all the negative trappings – the guilt, the sleeplessness, the lack of concentration, the wasted hours talking rubbish to get her attention,' says Ed.
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