Philip M. Sutton, Ph.D., LMFT, LCSW, LP
We All Need Our “P’s” to Travel the 7 “C’s”
Some Suggestions for Responding Wisely to Another's Unacceptable Behavior
This portion of our talk covers what we as parents, other family members, friends and/or pastoral caregivers can do, cannot do, may do, and ought not do to respond in love to the knowledge that a loved one, or a person to whom we are ministering, desires or is engaging in behavior which we believe is unacceptable and which may be harmful to him or her, and others. (It also may help us to consider how to love (more) wisely someone afflicted with a chronic or terminal disease or other unwanted suffering.)
I. The Seven “C’s” (please don’t count too carefully!):
· We do not Cause our loved one’s unacceptable behavior. Things that we have or have not done may have Contributed to our loved one’s developing this desire for or habit of unacceptable behavior. Be wary of excessive or “false” guilt!
· We cannot Cure, Control or Change our loved one’s unacceptable behavior. Be wary of a false sense of (over-) responsibility!
· We may not Condone, excuse or enable behavior that is harmful to our loved one, ourselves, or others. “Misguided mercy” is not loving!
· We can Communicate our Concern(s) and feelings about- and when wise, lovingly Confront- our loved one’s – and if relevant, our own- behavior.
· We can show Compassion to our loved one and ourselves (especially over past hurts, weaknesses, and things they or we did or didn’t do; and Cry, i.e. grieve or mourn, our sadness, anger, and fear over their- and our-actual or anticipated suffering.
· We can Confess what we did or did not do that may have harmed or been uncomfortable to our loved one, to God, our loved one, and supportive family, friends, etc. When necessary, our Contrition, wisely expressed, may lead to the giving and/or receiving of forgiveness, which may serve as the basis of re-Conciliation, if it is possible and wise to (re-)Construct mutual trust.
· We can Care wisely for our loved one and ourselves in a Committed way., including staying Connected to family and friends who support us.
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